The Woman Who Is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach by Lauren Allison & Lisa Perry

Author:Lauren Allison & Lisa Perry [ALLISON, LAUREN]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: HUM003000
ISBN: 9780446511896
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2008-03-06T05:00:00+00:00

25

The Wife Who Finds Something Wrong with the Way Her Husband Saved the Life of the Man Choking at the Table Next to Them

We went out to dinner the other night with the “it’s never quite good enough” wife. She complained about everything and anything, including all of her husband’s past sins. Even after he had nearly performed a miracle at one point during the dinner by resuscitating the gentleman at the table next to us, she could still find something wrong: “Good grief, Kevin, couldn’t you have managed to do the Heimlich without spilling the squash soup all over the table?”

While attending a wedding the next afternoon, my mind wandered and I began to think how differently history would have been written if Jesus had decided to get married to the “it’s never quite good enough” wife. It may have gone something like this:

Jesus returns home after a particularly draining day. His wife, Stella, says:

“Good Lord! Where in God’s name have you been? You smell awful!”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I just raised Lazarus from the dead. It took a lot out of me.”

“Well, I should think so, especially the spring morning freshness I had worked so hard to get into your clothes. Before you did that, did you consider all the work it would create for me? It’ll take me a month to get that robe smelling decent again. Why did you have to wait until he smelled like a farm animal to raise him from the dead?”

“Because people were amazed since he had been dead for four days.”

“Well, if you really wanted to amaze people, why not bring back Socrates or Plato? Those are people who have been dead for four hundred years.”

“Well, I never thought of that.”

“Four days is nothing. This is just like that little fiasco the other night when you turned the water into wine at the Shapiro girl’s wedding.”

“But they couldn’t believe it—the bride’s mother fainted with astonishment.”

“And do you know why that was?”

“I thought it was because she had never seen anyone turn water into wine before.”

“No, it was because they were serving poultry, and you came up with a merlot. Everyone knows you don’t drink red wine with chicken.”

“Oh.” He looks a little dejected. “Well, I thought it was good.”

“Quite frankly, sweetheart, the wine was a little dry.”

“Oh.” He looks even more dejected.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll do better next time. Maybe something more fruity, more aromatic.”

“Well, I’ll try,” he says, looking preoccupied.

“And while we’re on the subject, you know the other day when you had Peter throw out the nets to catch the fish? What did you bring up from the bottom of the Sea of Galilee? Haddock. I couldn’t believe it. Who eats haddock? Maybe next time you could try for some nice trout. I mean, if you’re going to expend all this energy on these ‘miracles’ as you call them, maybe you could go the extra mile and come up with something really good.”

“Well, I guess you’re right.”

“It’s also like the episode with the multitudes when you came up with the loaves and fishes.

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